SecamWho—or What—is Secam?

When Eurotrash or Eurotreasure? was at full-swing in Atlanta, Georgia, Secam inherited the multimedia mantle from Assrabbit and served up the visuals that accompanied the DJ's sounds.

The shadowy, multimedia auteur Secam is a hard man to track down. Our efforts to interview him met with failure. All we have to work from are two faint transmissions from an alternate universe. Actor Lorne Greene narrated these transmissions.

LORNE GREENE: "We don't know much about Secam. In the past he was spotted around Atlanta setting up temporary pornographic theaters in McDonald's restrooms—a hobby that led to frequent arrests. Because he cannot speak or understand one word of English, or any other recognizable language, he eventually ended up on the streets.

"Everything changed the day Secam met DJ King Pigeon. KP, who thinks all wheels except the "Wheels of Steel" are an invention of Satan, was cruising around town in his hovercraft when he spotted a mob of Baristas in a Starbucks parking lot. Recalling the words of a Seattle POW ("Baristas, when in a mob, will sometimes turn violent"), KP decided to investigate.

As KP approached the group, he saw, in the center, a crouched figure being bludgeoned by stainless steel coffee tumblers. That bloody sack of flesh was none other than Secam. KP swooped in and pulled the crimson lacquered Secam into his vehicle. Then he ran down all of the crazed Starbucks employees, because once a Barista goes feral it must be put down immediately. The next shift cheerfully cleaned up the mess and put the tumblers back into inventory.

"Since that day, Secam has not left Fortress King Pigeon. He sleeps standing up, next to the washing machine, and dazzles audiences at night with his infinitely complex and emotionally draining visual displays. His pre-Atlanta past is unknown—as is his age, favorite color, resting heart rate, nationality, and sex. The origin of his name is also unknown.

"Secam has indicated through hand gestures that he likes this web page:"

Read the college 'zine interview: Interview with Secam
Read about Secam's legendary predecessor, Assrabbit.

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