DJ King Pigeon's (Mr. Lava's) Blog

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

On Sunday evening, while DJ'ing a terrace party in Queens, I was honored to meet Jenny Conway, the first girl ever to "go wild."

Jenny, a University of Georgia student studying Child Development at the time, went wild at a DJ event in Orlando, Florida early on the morning of 12 June 1995. Her act of drunken defiance ushered in an era of wildness that was later documented in a series of popular videotapes.

Some pop culturalists argue that girls have been going wild in New Orleans for decades, but Jenny's actions are generally thought to be the first "modern" manifestation of wildness.

Today Jenny is a restaurant supervisor at a popular New York casino. She has put the past behind her. She tells me that she is going on 10 years "unwild."

Saturday, 11 October 2008

I am enjoying a weekend in New York City, where one must tread carefully to avoid being struck by the plunging bodies raining down on Wall Street.

Friday, 19 September 2008

I accepted a gig as celebrity spokesman for the European Technology Literacy Programme, an educational outreach project that promotes greater technology access for and usage amongst traditionally underrepresented groups.

Lower-income/minority groups need to be aware of the fact that an average mugging in 2008 is not as lucrative as one from 10 years ago. This is due to the proliferation of plastic and the subsequent reduction of cash carried by the average person. While one can certainly walk a victim at gunpoint to an ATM machine and force him or her to make a withdrawal, this is a highly risky maneuver (consider the potentially long walk to an ATM, police staking out ATMs, cameras on ATMs, etc.). In short, the days of "Your money or your life" are over.

Poor Europeans should also recognize that with more people telecommuting each day, break-ins are no longer a safe proposition. The odds are good that even if you find one apartment empty the neighbor next door is likely in and logged onto his or her work desktop; she or he will promptly alert the cops. No point in cutting the phone line, either; today everyone uses a cell.

If you are of African/Muslim descent and living in the suburbs of Paris, you probably know from firsthand experience that with technological gadgets getting more portable the odds are good that once you break into an apartment you will not find anything of great value there (except maybe a huge-ass plasma screen TV that is too cumbersome to run off with anyway). And while you might be thinking that this means a mugging COULD pay off, because while people no longer carry cash they do carry their laptops, the truth is that laptops are dangerous to pawn due to the serial numbers (and sometimes even anti-theft software) on them.

What is a young, Roma criminal to do?

The answer lies in the burgeoning computer crime market! Never in history has computer crime been so popular. But to make the big bucks in this field you're going to need to go to school and work hard!

So take your science and technology courses seriously. One day, when a Russian businessman hands you a thick wad of South Ossetian counterfeit American bills, you will be glad that you did. :-)

Next week I will discuss the benefits of Social Network Analysis for Italian crime families. (Hint: Your dockworkers may appear to be insignificant peripheral nodes, but in fact they are most directly connected to those Mediterranean drug networks your business is dependent on!)

Friday, 19 September 2008 (cont.)

Strange. The European Technology Literacy Programme just dropped me! They're going with Dieter Bohlen instead. :-(

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

The Large Hadron Collider has showered the Ukrainian Rada with dark matter. The ensuing gravity well ruptured the partnership of Yulia Tymoshenko and Viktor Yushchenko.

Tuesday, 16 September 2008 (cont.)

On a more positive front, a wormhole opened up between the DJ booth and the restroom at a club I was spinning at last night, allowing me to quickly relieve myself and return to the decks in time to drop the next song.

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Was spinning some tunes in my hotel room in Geneva yesterday when a mini black hole drifted through my laptop and wiped out most of the MP3s in my Bad Boys Blue folder. :-((

Saturday, 6 September 2008

The last casuality of the August Georgia/Russia War: Timbaland, who, in recognizing his treasonous role in helping Russia win Eurovision this year, hanged himself in his penthouse today. He was 37.

Saturday, 6 September 2008 (cont.)

In a surprising development, his estate has been turned over to Janne Suni.

Friday, 5 September 2008

That fiesty ol' gal Queen Elizabeth has announced that in October she will embark on a "What the Hell is the Difference Between Slovenia and Slovakia?" tour!

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

The Russians kept telling me one thing and doing another. For example, during a forced march from Tskhinvali to Gori, they kept promising that we'd stop for food and drink "in an hour," but the promised hour mysteriously never came (who do they think I am—Tantalus?). They told me I could call my friends, but then they told me Georgian terrorists had cut all the phone lines. They told me on Sunday I'd be freed on Monday, but that didn't come to pass either.

Due to my being in captivity, I only learned of Sandra Izbasa's Olympic gold medal in gymnastics floor exercise via an overheard conversation between two Russian colonels miffed about Ksenia Semenova's uneven bars routine. A gold medal for Romanian gymnastics in 2008! My heart sailed! I shut my eyes and dreamed of Izbasa flipping triumphantly to the sounds of Michał Lorenc's "Taniec Eleny"!

In the middle of the night a Russian guard woke me. He said I was free to go.

I did not believe him, since the Russians were always saying one thing and doing another. I expected he would wait until I rose wearily from the dirty mattress on the floor, then slam the cell door on my face. But he did not.

"You are a strange man, Mr. Pigeon," the guard said to me as I stepped out. He handed me my clothes.

"Why do you say that?"

"You gave us your American passport, but you forgot about the other passport you were carrying. Why didn't you tell us you were Russian?"

Suddenly, everything made sense.

Five years ago, while DJ'ing in Sevastopol, some Russians had handed me a Russian passport. They said I was now a Russian citizen and that one day they might come to defend me from my own government. I explained to them that I was American, not Ukrainian, but they said it did not matter. In fact, they told me 43% of the world carried Russian passports. Just think—the Russians are protecting all those people from their governments!

"Comrade," I said, embracing the guard.

"Comrade," the guard said, returning the hug. We cried in each other's arms.

"Well, thanks for returning the clothes," I said at last. "Where can I pick up my laptop and MP3 mixer?"

"We keep that," the guard said.

"Super! See you around!"

I ran like hell.

I am writing to you from a bus headed for Azerbaijan (the Tibilsi airport is still not functional). I should be home in Iasi sometime tomorrow.

Sunday, 17 August 2008

I am text messaging this blog entry to my former dedicated French maid Veronique, who kindly offered to post it.

Although the Russian army found me spinning for a largely Russian-speaking crowd at Tskhinvali, Georgia, which would make you think they'd consider me their comrades, the moment the soldiers saw my U.S. passport they ordered me into the back of a truck.

They accused me of subverting South Ossetia's cultural values. The more the kids danced to my Euro beats the more my American-ness was a problem. It wouldn't be right for an American to win the adoration of Russian-speaking Georgians. So, best to lock me up.

I was too good.

Now I'm DJ'ing for the Russian army. It's been pretty fun, though the flying Vodka bottles sting a little on impact. I think I'll stay here for a while, since I'm wearing an iron collar attached to a chain.

Friday, 8 August 2008

Tonight I'm spinning records in Tskhinvali, Georgia. It's been an awesome day of Olympic celebrations here so far. While the fireworks here are cruder (the color schemes lean exclusively towards a yellow/orange palette), the explosions are much, much louder. And they even shoot them off in the daytime!

Stay tuned for more blogging from Tskhinvali! Happy Olympics! :-)

Friday, 8 August 2008 (cont.)

Disregard the above: IT'S A WAR!!!!!! Holy fucking shit SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 8 August 2008 (cont.)

Didn't anyone listen to Diana Gurtskaya's plea at Eurovision this year?!?!?!!??!

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

"Fuck me again, Mr. Lava!"

"Another round? You are insatiable!"

"That is because you never leave me satisfied!"

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

DJ Tip: If you are in Belgrade today, now is not an appropriate time to DJ in an Uncle Sam costume.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

I just shook Barack Obama's hand in Berlin!!!!!!!!!! He recognized me and said that in a few months I might want to consider moving back to America!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He said, "America's going to be cool, man."

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

The EU grounded Romania and Bulgaria today—and no IM privileges either!

Naughtier Bulgaria was sent to her room without supper.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Damn. My favorite contributor to the Serbian magazine "Healthy Life" seems to have been dropped!

Saturday, 12 July 2008

As the American dollar shrinks in value, I regret that Europe hubristically christened their currency the "euro," as that will certainly limit the euro's potential to expand into other geographic areas.

Saturday, 12 July 2008 (cont.)

Now that I have switched to digital DJ'ing, I have begun to wear gouges into the cue points on my MP3s. :-((

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Romania's senate has voted unanimously to require TV and radio news broadcasts to feature equal proportions of upbeat, happy news to downbeat, sad news. I'm not making this up.

So, a news broadcast might lead with a five minute exposé on a politician taking a bribe (sad news) followed by information about the latest Elena single (happy news), followed by a piece on corruption in Romanian soccer (sad news), followed by footage of a water-skiing squirrel (happy news).

Welcome to the new, 50% happier Romania! :-)

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

A good idea for a horror movie would be the story of some clueless American guy in Romania who places a bet on the Romanian soccer team. Romania's chances of making it into the quarterfinals of Euro 2008 initially look good. Then, the Romanians lose to the Dutch. Now the American guy is out way more money than he can afford to pay, and some shady bookies are none-too-happy about that. His phone starts ringing. So, disguised as a gypsy woman, I flee Iasi in the middle of the night.

Friday, 13 June 2008

In a clear act of pettiness, Ireland has rejected the EU's Lisbon Treaty in retaliation for Dustin the Turkey's poor showing at last month's Eurovision Song Contest.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Two semi-finals have produced 18 Eurovision losers. To all the competitors going home I would just like to say that we know you gave it your all. However, there is no greater shame than losing Eurovision. You failed to live up to the expectations, hopes, and dreams of your countrymen and women. You have shattered the hearts of millions of children. Your compatriots will now turn their backs on you—and you will deserve this.

Using the United Nations Population Division's population calculator and the latest population statistics cited on Wikipedia, I have calculated that 810,237 people now living in 2008 semi-final-losing countries will die between now and next Eurovision. So for them your failure is one that will resonate literally to the ends of their lives. Sure, the next time you visit grandpa at the hospice you can choke back a sob and whisper hopefully into his ear, "We'll get 'em next time!" But he will be gone before you do. Besides, you probably won't get 'em next time anyway. And although he'll be too lost in a morphine cloud to say it out loud, I assure you he'll know that.

Meanwhile, congrats to all the countries moving on to the finals! :-)

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

The Eurovision ass-control battle is shaping out to be between Armenia's Sirusho and Greece's Kalomira.

Whose stalwart command of ass will lead her country to victory Saturday? My money—and my eyes—say Kalomira's.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008 (cont.)

Well, it turns out Dustin the Turkey might have been affected by his all night drinking misadventure after all; he failed to qualify for the Eurovision final.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008 (cont.)

I spent a good part of last night hanging out with Belgium's Ishtar. We had a pleasant conversation conducted entirely in Ishtarese wherein we discussed crocodiles, lilies, and the warm summer sun.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Once again democracy has been thwarted in Ukraine. Ruslana's and my "Wilder Dances" will not be that country's song representative at this week's Eurovision competition. So concluded the Ukrainian delegates after an all-night convention. Sux.

After that meeting, I stumbled into the dull morning light in search of a bar. When I found one I discovered Dustin the Turkey slumped over the counter. He performs later today in the first semi-final—how does he do it?

Tuesday, 20 May 2008 (cont.)

In non-Eurovision news, I spent my economic stimulus check on a Belgrade hooker. Thanks, Uncle Sam! ;-)

Monday, 19 May 2008

An update on the Ukraine Eurovision entry horserace: Ani Lorak thinks she's got it all wrapped up and will be representing Ukraine in Belgrade this week. Her song, "Shady Lady," is polling well with younger and better-educated voters.

However, Ruslana's and my "Wilder Dances" is polling better with poor old dumb people, so we think we should be the Ukrainian nominee (there are a lot of poor old dumb Eurovision voters scattered throughout Europe, you see).

Things will likely go down to the wire during tonight's closed-door meeting with the Ukrainian delegation.

Friday, 16 May 2008

This I hate: pretentious fucks who never take off their stupid fucking sunglasses. And when I say "never," I mean even when they're swimming. I'm talking about Diana Gurtskaya, the Eurovision representative from Georgia, who refuses to be photographed without jet black shades hiding her peepers. Is the bitch blind?

Friday, 16 May 2008 (cont.)

mikheil076 writes, "Yes, Mr. Lava, Ms. Gurtskaya is blind."


What do you think of that Irish turkey song?

Thursday, 15 May 2008

You might think that Ukraine's Eurovision entry has been determined for next week's song competition. You'd be wrong. Ukrainian Eurovision song selection is based on a combination of popular votes and votes cast by an elite panel of judges. So, although Ani Lorak's "Shady Lady " is currently leading, by no means is it necessarily going to be Ukraine's final Eurovision selection.

That's because Ruslana and I are still lobbying the superdelegates, I mean judges, to support our tune, "Wild Dances II: Wilder Dances." "Shady Lady" may be the popular favorite, but our tune stands a better chance of winning Eurovision. The reasons are obvious. One, it's a sequel to a tune that won Eurovision years before, and two, it was co-written by Ruslana, who has more experience with the Eurovision thing than Ani Lorak.

(Ruslana fans might be disappointed that "Wilder Dances" will be sung not by our fair warrior woman, but by her spouse, Oleksandr Ksenofontov. Fear not! Ruslana will perform as a back-up dancer during the Eurovision performances!)

Admittedly, there is very little difference between "Shady Lady" and "Wilder Dances," which are both up-tempo tunes featuring lyrics about nothing. However, we hope that "Wilder Dances" will remind people of the good old days of Eurovision. The days before torturous, soporific Serbian ballads won.

The battle between these two Ukrainian nominees will likely go on right up to the day of competition.

Thursday, 15 May 2008 (cont.)

Regarding that "Wilder Dances" back-up dance, Ruslana is choreographing a new move where she puts her foot in her mouth.

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

It's so lame how Communist China is trying to get sympathy with this fake-earthquake bullshit. Boycott Beijing Olympics 2008!

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

I wore-out my voice singing along to Scooter songs at the group's show last week in Vilnius. Now I can only whisper.

This presents a problem when I take my borzois out for their regular pooping, since I cannot effectively call them back in.

So I have outfitted them with bluetooth headsets.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008 (cont.)

Just got a call from one of my borzois. She's hanging out at the Piata Unirii and wants to play fetch.


Sunday, 11 May 2008

I have a workout room in a small, windowless, cobwebbed space in the basement of my Iasi apartment complex which, due to its foreboding nature, visitors sometimes refer to as the "psycho torture chamber." Especially the visitors that I imprison in that room.

Thursday, 8 May 2008

By odd coincidence, more than a few of my friends are expectant parents. This has prompted the usual anxiety attacks on my side of the fence.

For example, what if their babies are assholes?

Thursday, 8 May 2008 (cont.)

If they're girls, I won't be able to date them for at least 18 years. Boys, no hard nights of social drinking for 21!

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

The Olympic Torch has been having a hard time of it lately, what with protesters in Paris and London snuffing out the flame multiple times during its journey. Now the International Olympic Committee is mulling canceling the torch's journey altogether.

Which means that tomorrow's arrival of the torch in San Francisco may mark one of the last times to make a statement against China's human rights abuses.

Apparently, one of the torch runners in San Fran will be a 63 year-old nun. Now, I know what you're thinking. "I can't douse a 63 year-old nun with water."

Courage, people!

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

It's April Fool's Day—but there won't be any clowning around in Bucharest as that city prepares to host a highly sensitive NATO conference. To ensure that rowdy college students don't pull any stunts, the entire city has been gassed with fentanyl.

Monday, 31 March 2008

This is the week of the big NATO summit, and Bucharest is brimming with activity. All should go well. The native Romanians have been locked in their apartments, sealed up in the sewers, and deported to the countryside, so they shouldn't disrupt the procedings. In fact, organizers brag that it is unlikely any of the NATO attendees will see a single Romanian during their stay in Bucharest!

Monday, 31 March 2008 (cont.)

Anyone attempting to drive a Dacia 500 through the city will be executed by Bucharest's Office of City Beautification.

Monday, 24 March 2008

Awoke to a strange Easter surprise. My Muslim racing pigeons and my Christian racing pigeons usually hang out on opposite sides of their loft. But this morning I found Ahmed, a Muslim pigeon, hanging out with the Christian ones—sans turban.

Turns out he has converted and changed his name to Arnold.

The Muslim pigeons are regarding him with resentment. There is hostility in their beady pigeon eyes.

Monday, 24 March 2008 (cont.)

I love Ahmed/Arnold, but I cannot afford 24-hour pigeon bodyguards for him. Pigeon bodyguards eat twice as much seed as "regular" pigeons. Plus, they're all "fast twitch," whereas I need long-distance fliers.

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Hoppy Easter! :-D It's a time to reflect on the cool shit the Catholic countries (i.e., those countries that celebrate Easter extra-hardcore) have given us! For your consideration, may I introduce you to Slovenia's Turbo Angels!

(Sunday mornings are turbo polka mornings at the Fortress.)

Thursday, 20 March 2008

Romania is hosting the NATO summit in early April, and some NATO folks are complaining that Ceasescu's Palace of the People, where the meetings will be held, is short on toilets. NATO officials "were displeased with both the number and quality of the toilet facilities."

Now I hate to brag. But I am proud to say that I have actually used a toilet at Ceasescu's palace. And although I cannot speak to the quantity of toilets there, I found that the quality was certainly adequate and that I walked away satisfied with the entire experience.

By the way, the building's architect has an interesting theory: she "suggested that someone with portable toilets for hire was trying to make money at the taxpayers' expense."

This might sound like a hokey conspiracy theory, but I believe it. That's Romanian enterprise for you! ;-)

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

New girls Georgia and Ukraine are having a hard time assimilating with the NATO-clique, so I have invited everyone to a slumber party at my place Saturday night. We plan to watch a download of the Australian season-finale of "H2O: Just Add Water" together. Then we're going to give each other make-overs and play truth-or-dare.

No boy-countries allowed!!!

Wednesday, 19 March 2008 (cont.)

In related news, Kosovo got invited to a girls night on the town with Bulgaria, Croatia, and Hungary this week, which totally pissed off Serbia, who has lately been spending more and more nights watching DVDs at home alone.

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Last night, after too many St. Patrick's Day Guinnesses, I got on the phone with Ukraine and accidentally spilled the beans about the big NATO soiree coming up next month in Bucharest. I also accidentally encouraged Ukraine to come. Which I guess means I accidentally invited Ukraine to the party.

It turns out the other countries who are hosting that party weren't necessarily going to extend an invitation to Ukraine in the first place. OMG!

?4U. Should I go to the NATO thing anyway? Or should I diss my cool NATO friends and invite Ukraine to a sleep-over at my place that same night instead?

Thursday, 13 March 2008

Fans of Belarusian theater will be thrilled to hear that their president, Alyaksandr Lukashenka, will be extending his one-man performance as Edgar Allen Poe for a while longer.

You might recall that the show was once scheduled to close in 2006. It has been extended to the end of his natural life.

Thursday, 13 March 2008 (cont.)

His Hitler show continues off-stage.

Monday, 10 March 2008

Was an opening act DJ for a Viking metal concert in Haugesund, Norway over the weekend. Good times; I even drank beer from a goblet! Amon Amarth performed a stirring rendition of "No Ordinary Girl" from "H2O: Just Add Water" (my request)—complete with their signature synchronized head twirls. Cool that they already knew all the words.

After the show, Amon Amarth and I did some base jumping.

In other news, my 2008 Eurovision dreams are coming to an end. Spain rejected my Eurodance entry in favor of an Elvis impersonator. Spain told me that this year they favored "change" over "experience."

I got a puppy, but it bored me, so I released it back into the wild. Animals were meant to be wild. Especially boring animals.

Which brings me to my political point of the day, regarding that Japanese "scientific whaling" controversy. DJ King Pigeon supports the whales! C'mon, Japan. Join the rest of the human race and find something else to chow down on!

What's up with Japan, anyway? Does that country have any real friends? I'm not talking about customers. I'm talking about friends. Sure, we all love Japan's video game consoles, their reliable cars, and their tentacle sex hentai. But if you're a country and it's Friday night and you're looking to spend a wild night out on the town with another country, who ya gonna call? Japan? Really? I don't think so. I think Japan just be playin' with itself Friday night.

And your friends who are really into Japan—aren't they all a little bit weird?

Anyway, I know why the Aussies are particularly up in arms about the whaling thing: they grew up watching "Ocean Girl" swimming around with her humpback pal Charlie. Yesterday's "Ocean Girl" fans are today's Rainbow Warriors.

"Charlie say, 'Neri, please don't let the Japanese whalers turn me into sushi!'"

Saturday, 23 February 2008

Woke around noon today with my usual hangover, which grew ten times worse when I logged onto my customized Google news page and learned that Janez Drnovsek, former president and prime minister of Slovenia, has—to borrow a euphemism from the titular character in "Ocean Girl"—"moved on."

Mr. Drnovsek was a nut in the coolest and best possible sense of that term. Peacenik, practicer of new age medicine, vegetarian, and—perhaps most importantly—a guy who really believed in the Slovenian people during their country's journey from communism to EU darling.

This sad news prompted an unusual development in my personal life; a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend and greatest love of my life, Mateja (she is Slovenian). Turns out she's been doing research for a laser firm in Neuch�tel, Switzerland, making big bucks and generally enjoying life. Anyway, the news, while not entirely unexpected, was nonetheless a blow to her, as she'd actually had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Drnovsek on two separate occasions and found him to be as wonderful in person as she had expected him to be.

I told Mateja that I would dedicate my Eurovision-penned anthem, "The Beat That Fucks You Up the Ass," to him, as sentiment might then increase the chances of its being selected by one country or another as their official Eurovision entry. Mateja persuaded me not to do this. I then proposed cutting up a bunch of Mr. Drnovsek's speeches and making a funny rap out of them, but Mateja again tearfully demanded that I abandon the idea. I could not understand exactly why she would think it such a fine idea to miss exploiting so golden an opportunity as this, but hey, women. :-P

Thursday, 21 February 2008

I have been shopping my Eurovision-penned anthem "The Beat That Fucks You Up the Ass" to various countries. So far, I have racked up rejections from Bulgaria, Latvia, Andorra, and France.

I heard from my friend Maya that the Irish Eurovision race is a little less competitive this year...

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Balkan declarations of independence are ADORABLE!

Tuesday, 19 February 2008 (cont.)

I was hanging out at a bar in Iasi, Romania the other night with my pal Radu.

"This is so goddamn awesome! Now there's a new European country I can DJ in!" I exclaimed.

"What are you talking about?"

"Kosovo! I can't wait to add a Kosovo stamp to my passport!"

"Maybe you Americans are all lubby-dubby with Kosovo, but Romania doesn't recognize Kosovo as an independent country."

"What? Does that mean if I fly to Kosovo from Romania I won't get a Kosovo stamp in my passport?"

"I...I don't know how that works."

"I want a Kosovo stamp!" I exclaimed while hammering my pint of Ursus against the table for emphasis. Beer flew everywhere.

"Settle down!" Radu exclaimed. "We don't want to get into another fist-fight."

"You guys have secessionists right here in Romania, don't you?" I said. "Hungarians? Tell you what, Radu. Howsabout we take a field trip to Sz�kely Land?"

A group of frowning working-class Romanians gathered around us.

"Mr. Lava. I should probably remind you that we are not in the United States. And right now these things you are saying...they are not the right sorts of things to be saying in a Romanian bar."

I began to sing the old David Hasselfhoff tune "Lookin' for Freedom," and concluded my rendition of the chorus with a spirited cry of, "Noroc! To Kosovo!"

My doctor told me this morning that most of the bruises should fade in about a month or two, but with luck I should regain mobility in my limbs sooner than that.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008 (cont.)

No worries, mate! I have two dozen DVDs of Australian kids shows to watch during my recuperation, starting with four hours of "Skippy the Bush Kangaroo"!

Good on ya, Skip!

Friday, 25 January 2008

I am coining a catchy new term: "Bend and send."

Now, in order to figure out how to apply this catchy new term, I just need to figure out what would ideally be bent and then sent...

Saturday, 12 January 2008

I was about midway through my "H20: Just Add Water" marathon when my Razr rang. I struck my computer's space bar to freeze the teen mermaid action, then answered with a sharp, "This had better be good!"

"Mr. Lava? It's Gianni. Gianni De Gennaro! Remember me?"

I scanned my mental databanks.

"Gianni? We had dinner together during the San Remo song competition back in 2004, right?"

"That's right! Fantastico! I was afraid you might have forgotten me!"

"I never forget who I dine with at San Remo. What can I do for you, il mio amico?

"Maybe you have heard about my new job? I was appointed 'trash tsar' for Naples!"

"I have heard nothing about this, but congratulations. As a 'trash' tsar myself, we now have something in common!"

"It has nothing to do with Eurotrash music, but rather real trash. I rifiuti. As in, tons and tons of i rifiuti strewn all over the streets of Naples. I believe the English for it is 'rubbish'."

"Look," I said impatiently, "Lewis is trying to figure out how to thwart the moon's magical powers over our mermaid protagonists. So the sooner you get to the point--"

"The point is, I need a place to move this garbage. And we are all out of places here in Italy. So, you live in Romania, right?"

"I do. I live in Iasi."

"Romania is...It is something like a dump, isn't it?"

"Yes. But it is a dump with heart."

"Could you perhaps use your considerable influence to convince President Basescu to maybe open up a few landfills? We could ship the trash by barge into the Black Sea, drop it off at Constanta, and you Romanians could find a place for it...maybe under the Transylvanian mountains or something?"


"Please, Mr. Lava! I beg of you!"

"You guys have been hating on Romanians so much in the press, lately...Why would Romania want to help you?"

"It would be such a noble gesture for a fresh, new EU member to help out Italy. Why, think of the sisterly bond between these two countries. Rome! Romania! Shared linguistics and a wonderful Eurotrash music exchange program!"

"I'm sorry, Gianni. I won't help you. It's literally your mess and you're going to have to clean it up yourself."

"And we could pay. We could pay so much!"

I pivoted away from the computer screen in my swivel chair.

"How much could you pay?" I said.

Thursday, 3 January 2008

Since the indoor smoking ban has gone into effect in France this week, meteorologists report that the staggering increase in outdoor smoking has reduced Eiffel Tower visibility by 32%.

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Last night, Yulia Tymoshenko told me that becoming prime minister was the second best thing to happen to her that day. The first was hearing me spin a smokin' Eurodance set for her friends, family, and supporters at the Rada!

Gotta say this about Yulia: She may be 47 years old, but she can shake it to Ruslana's "Wild Dances" as well as anybody.

Tuesday, 18 December 2007

At last I have a party to DJ in Kiev, because...Yulia Tymoshenko has finally been elected prime minister of Ukraine—YAAYYYYYYY!!!! Tonight I'll be spinning at a private party for the gal and her supporters.

I will not be able to DJ a more public party in Kiev on Friday because I'll be in Ljubljana doing that Schengen area thing. I love Slovenia, but I really wish I could be in both places.

Regarding the Friday night Kiev celebration, It's rumored that just a little more than half the country might show up!

Friday, 14 December 2007

HAHAHAHA!!!!!! Day four in Kiev!!!! Waiting to find out if I'll be DJ'ing that FUCKING TYMOSHENKO CELEBRATION PARTY OR NOT!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Parliament is supposed to vote on her prime ministerial bid TODAY!!!!!!! GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE!!!!!!! LOL!!!! LOL!!!!! :-D

Friday, 14 December 2007 (cont.)

Just got word that they will vote on Tymoshenko on Tuesday. So I will buy myself a plane ticket back to Iasi for the weekend.

It's been a great week in Kiev, but I miss hanging out with Iasi's feral dogs. Especially the one-eyed one near the shopping mall.

Thursday, 13 December 2007

! It's day three of my camping out at a hotel in Kiev awaiting word on whether or not I'll be DJ'ing Tymoshenko's prime ministership victory party. So far the Ukrainian parliament has not even brought up the issue of her PM bid in today's session. So I might be here another day.

By the time they finally throw the victory party I should be able to speak fluent Ukrainian.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Kiev awaiting word on whether or not I'm going to DJ a victory celebration for Yulia Tymoshenko tonight.

Today parliament was scheduled to vote on her PM bid again, but the opposition party is physically blocking the entrance to parliament in order to delay that vote. This is insane.

What's Tina Karol up to? Think I'll give her a ring...

Wednesday, 12 December 2007 (cont.)

Fuck. I attempted to take Tina out to a nice restaurant here in Kiev, but we couldn't get in because the Party of Regions blockaded the entrance.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007 (cont.)

The Ukrainian parliament is going to try again tomorrow.

As a cutting-edge DJ, it's distressing to me that with each additional day of parliamentary wrangling my music becomes another day less fresh.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

I arrived in Kiev today just as the Ukrainian parliament was voting on Yulia Tymoshenko's prime ministerial bid (I'm supposed to DJ the victory party).

Well, the Eurasian Youth Movement can hold off on that threatened denial of service attack on my website; Tymoshenko failed to get the prime ministership by a single vote. So I won't be DJ'ing anything tonight. :-(

They try again tomorrow.

Friday, 7 December 2007

Got an invite to spin records in Ljubljana on the night of Friday, 21 December as Slovenia celebrates joining the Schengen area. This could be awkward because my ex-girlfriend Mateja is (last I heard) living in Slovenia, and with Slovenia being such a small country odds are fairly decent I could run into her.

Of course, if I ran into her I'd beg her to let me stay with her and her family over the Christmas holidays. Which in turn means I'd wind up sleeping with her—or (if she has a new boyfriend [I don't know if she does or doesn't]) sleeping with her hot younger sister, which would really complicate things.

There's also a possibility I'll be spinning at a private party celebrating Yulia Tymoshenko's return to the prime ministership in Ukraine next Tuesday—depending on whether that vote actually goes through. As a consequence of my supporting BYuT, the Eurasian Youth Movement informs me that a denial-of-service attack on this website is imminent. At least my web traffic stats will finally go up.

If I've learned one thing as a faux Eurotrash DJ, it's that the world is a complicated place.

In reviewing old photos of Mateja and me making love (posted to the internet during one of my more spiteful moods; wish I could take them back, but the thousands of digital copies that have been made since cannot be recalled), I both dread and look forward to returning to Slovenia—fearing and desiring a reunion with my browny-brown-eyed girl.

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

A reader writes: "Mr. Lava! Back in September you said you were moving to Paris. How has that worked out?"

Well, obviously living in Paris is just awesome. Sure, the never-ending sea of tourists on the Île de la Cité can drive you crazy, the Châtelet metro station is impossible to navigate, the folks in the northern suburbs have an unfortunate habit of torching their own libraries, and those supposed Bosnian war orphans asking everyone "Do you speak English?" at Notre Dame can really get on your nerves. But once you find a few reliable local spots—a decent discothèque, a friendly bar, a couple of restaurants with French-language-only menus to discourage the uglier Americans—even an outsider can settle cozily into this proudly nationalistic country. Indeed, Paris is a place to live, to love, and to grow old in!

Paris is also very expensive. So after a few weeks I moved to Iasi, Romania.

Monday, 3 December 2007

Hung-over from a hardcore night of uniting with Russia. Woke this afternoon to the news that LiveJournal has united with Russia as well.

All this uniting with Russia is exhausting!

Sunday, 2 December 2007

I supported a Western-leaning opposition party in this weekend's Russian parliamentary elections (donated DJ'ing time). The "Jackals United" party ran on a platform of open markets, working with the West, staying out of the politics of border countries, and not beating the ever-living crap out of people with darker skin than their own.

These are values I support, and if you're a true "EorE?" fan you do as well. But it turns out the "Jackals United" party was a bunch of lazy-asses! None of them even bothered to make an appearance on Russian TV!

Guys?!!?!?!! How are you going to win an election with an attitude like that?

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