A Brief History of Fortress King Pigeon

"Welcome to the Club!"

Those words have been uttered at Fortress King Pigeon since 1777, the year that this magnificent structure was erected. The Euro tone was immediately established by the presence of our French Revolutionary War allies, who hung out here despite constant requests that they leave. The French are grudgingly credited with dropping the first Eurobeat at FKP on 26 April 1778. Some of the crazed tunes they played included: "Mon Père Aussi Ma Mère," "J'Entends le Moulin," and "J'ai un Menage." Weeeeee…

"Mixing" on turntables was not possible at that time, as there were no turntables. So, two live bands were set up on opposite ends of the room and were instructed to start playing each DJ's selection overtop the last notes of the other band's piece.

Spaniards eager for relief from Florida's mosquitoes also frequented FKP, and eventually even the more progressive Tories, who in the final years of the Revolutionary War danced with the aid of crutches, showed up for a taste of home. Of course, we at FKP remained loyal to our country's yearnings for freedom, but we also hoped to reduce future battlefield carnage through a shared love for Eurodance.

18th century Eurodance lacked bass (all percussion was performed on snares). But that was about to change. With the institution of slavery, Africans arrived in Georgia by the thousands. In 1810, the proprietor of Fortress King Pigeon, DJ Opium Boy, realized that his slaves had developed rhythms far funkier than the ones he was used to hearing in such French standards as "A la Claire Fontaine." He freed all his slaves—on the condition that they let him in on their music secrets. And so DJ Opium Boy became the first in a long line of white men to profit from the stealing of African-American musical ideas.

You will observe, over Secam's table in the living room, an original 19th century print of Fanny Kemble, the talented young British actress who lived on a Georgia Plantation with her husband, Pierce Butler. Pierce supported slavery; Fanny abhored it. And so Fanny spent most of her days at Fortress King Pigeon fucking her brains out. Her stallion of choice: the tall, dark, and handsome DJ Black Nite, America's first bisexual DJ of color.

In 1864, the army of Union General William T. Sherman burned Fortress King Pigeon to the ground. Either that, or DJ Carpetbagger got a little clumsy with the crack pipe. In any case, it's easier to blame Sherman. Fuck you, Sherman!

But the south rose again, Phoenix-like, or Pigeon-like, heh-heh-heh, from the ashes. The entire Home Park community was built on King Pigeon Plantation. Home Park residents far and wide attended the legendary "Deconstruction" parties, so named to rib reconstructionists from the north.

The twentieth century saw many technological innovations that greatly improved the quality of Eurotrash parties held at Chez Pigeon. The most important of these was a machine that could play back music recordings. This ushered in the "roaring twenties." Every night two Victrolas graced the DJ's table while the likes of DJ Jitterbug and DJ Flapper Slapper rocked the house until the early morning hours. As for Prohibition—what Prohibition?

The establishment of Georgia's Rural Electrification Administration meant that kerosene lamps were "out" and light bulbs were "in." Thousands of light bulbs graced the Moulin Pigeon, and they drew bohemians and substance abusers like moths.

And since we're running out of space, let's be like a high school history class and kind of skip through the rest of the twentieth century. There were lots of wars and things, but the beat went on. Disco hit the scene in 1973, and by 1979, when most people were either pro-disco or pro-rock, Fortress King Pigeon blended the two styles and invented the Chemical Brothers. There was techno and acid house and trance, yadda yadda yadda, and at some point we even learned to love the French, and now here you are, admiring it all!

Wow! So much history all around you! Enjoy Fortress King Pigeon—and please don't steal anything!

© 1997—2010 King Pigeon Productions