Trash News

The Next Joe Millionaire
November 24, 2003

DJ Cyberian Tyger and I have been puzzled by the anti-"Next Joe Millionaire" attitude that has saturated our media and even our favorite blogs. I will no longer be silent!

First, the premise of the show: A bevy of European beauties are vying for a rodeo cowboy's heart. Week by week girls are eliminated. The last woman standing gets the opportunity to marry the guy. The now well-known twist is that our "Joe" must convince these girls that he is worth $80 million when in fact he has "only $20 in the bank."

After just the very first week, when the show's ratings were inexplicably dismal, the show itself was blamed for its failure to perform. People! The first episode was aired, obviously, before any other episodes had been! So it was not the quality of the show that killed it! You morons!

Perhaps FOX screwed up in the way it promoted it. Perhaps Americans aren't interested in European women (although I should think one look at Anique would fix that). Or perhaps folks are no longer entertained by the Joe Millionaire premise. But it was not the quality of the show itself that killed its ratings during its first outing.

After that first failed episode, Joe's fate was certain: a speedy retirement. And after accelerating the season by doubling up episodes, the finale airs tonight on FOX, not that you will be watching.

"The Next Joe Millionaire" has been great. Perhaps we (DJ Cyberian Tyger and I) think this because we ourselves are enthralled with European culture—and because of our intimate familiarity with European women (ask any European woman—ANY—about me and she will say, "I love Mr. Lava. Because he understands me"). Perhaps we think this because we stayed with it and were never anything less than massively entertained by it from start to finish. And perhaps because we ignored the idiot media we may have taken especial delight in the program.

In any case, here are six reasons why we love the show:
1) The women are (on average) a hundred times hotter than those we've seen on any other reality show. Anique. Linda. Cat. Wow.

2) They are also more overtly vicious (goodbye Olinda, you heartless hag!).

3) David, this season's Joe, is so sincere, and consequently so clumsy at maintaing his lie, that we wound up enjoying him more than we did the first season's Joe. The interrogations he endured were genuinely suspenseful because we just didn't know what stupid thing he would say in the mayhem. Plus, David is so sensitive he actually cries over his torment. We like David!

4) Cat, Cat, Cat, the h-h-h-hot DJ girl from Berlin, reviled by so many of the other contestants. We think she is a misunderstood creature with a very sensible approach to the game she is playing. If David picks her tonight it's anybody's guess whether she'll stick around after he reveals the lie. I'd bet she wouldn't—and who would blame her? Because Cat is saving herself for me.

5) Whoever edits this show is a genius. Awkward conversational pauses, priceless reaction shots, all dropped in exactly the right places for maximum dramatic benefit—or comic relief.

6) It has been fascinating watching the girls embodying some European stereotypes (drinking like fish and smoking like chimneys). Sometimes they pick on their fellow contestants by dredging up national stereotypes (Germans accused of being cold and calculated, for example). A few weeks back, when it was down to two girls from Holland and Cat from Germany (this before Czech Linda's resurrection), one of the Holland girls remarked in the presence of the other two: "World War II. Holland vs. Germany all over again." I love this stuff!
We'll be watching the season finale with a couple bottles of red wine, but for most of you it is too late to enjoy "The Next Joe Millionaire." Oh well. Your lives really won't be much the worse for having missed it. But for whoever has stayed along for the ride, let's party!


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Scooter Pen a New York Times Editorial
August 5, 2003

Hardcore Eurodance legends Scooter have weighed in with their own perspective on our responsibilities to the Iraqi people. Here is their editorial in full: